A One-sided Conversation

This is another of my SPAMmers' homeworks.  The prompt was "soaked in sadness" and as always the limit was no more than 500 words.

A One-sided Conversation

You'll find it an easy recipe.  A classic.  You probably have most of the ingredients in your cabinet right now, will only have to gather one or two.  Then you'll be on your way to, well, let's use the euphemism of wedded bliss.  Why a euphemism you ask?  I'm old and don't stand with that straightforward modern nonsense.  But you'll get what you want from this one, dearie.  There's a guarantee.  You must call back about how you get on.  

Yes, dearie?  Oh, you don't seem to have any henbane?  None down by the river at all?  Tsk.  What are things coming to.  No, you can't get it from me.  You must collect it fresh during a waxing gibbous.  You thought full?  Someone said that was more powerful?  Youngsters.  Dear, you want growth, and to get that you can't harvest when everything is already at it's maximum, now, can you.  You'll just have to wait.  Do call back. 

There are no proper mandrake roots this time of year?  Have you looked?  Yes?  You have amazed me, you truly have.  One could always find good mandrake anytime it was needed back when ... sorry, you don't want to hear about how things were in the old days. 

You find the bats are diseased and you fear their noses won't work as needed.  All are covered in white fuzz.  You can substitute dried wing, of course.  You have no stock of dried bat wings in storage?  None?  In the past you've always avoided recipes that called for them?  You haven't hunted for bats since you were eight?  Tsk, tsk, dearie.  You young witches certainly ... yes, do call back. 

It didn't work and you want to know about that guarantee.  Did you mix it with his potatoes?  Did you encourage things along?  Are you sure you followed the recipe exactly?  Youngsters often get impatient about some of the more time consuming steps.  Waiting for the proper phase of the moon took longer than you planned, and having to travel for a week to locate healthy bats set you back a bit as well.  But truly, dearie, if you'd had everything at hand the mixture would have been ready to use in a month.  Yes, a month.  Did I leave that part off?  In the old days these things were just understood by all, no need for written down recipes.  You ... ah, you want to know what I left off.  Yes, dearie, of course.  It must be soaked in sadness for a double fortnight or all the rest is just a waste of time.